5 Deal-Breaker Gifts for the Bar

You give me one of these items as a gift and our relationship is over. I'm not even kidding.

1. The battery operated wine opener goes against every grain in my mixologist's body. God forbid you should have to work just a tiny bit hard for what you want in life. Are we so afraid of failure? Or is it fatigue? Here a few comparable items in my opinion:

• leaf-blowers
• clap operated lights
• premixed cocktails in bottle
• diet pills
• GPS systems

2. The ultimate rite of passage into adulthood is being old enough to drink. Being old enough to drink means that you are way, way, way too old to play with dolls. So putting a scarf and a knit cap on a wine bottle is freaky. You arrive at my door with a dressed up pinot and I'll pretend we've never met.

3. I don't want pictures on my Band-Aids, characters on my bed sheets, or cartoon people on my socks. So I sure as hell don't want any of that insanity on my shot glass. I want my friends to be hilarious, not the vessel from which I drink. If you find yourself at an airport gift shop, staring at a wall of "collectable" shot glasses in the shape of taxis and Statues of Liberties, do not think if me. I really, truly, don't want it and will no longer value our friendship as much.

4. Because no.

5. Ask yourself this:

• would you drink from the same receptacle that you could wash a load of dishes in? Or a small pet?
• would you consider an entire cake a normal serving?
• do you find yourself describing useless, tasteless, and unimaginative crapola as "cute" before buying it only to store the item in your garage with all that other "cute" "stuff" you've purchased because one day you're sure you'll neeeeed it?

Awesome. If you've answered yes to any of these questions then a giant wine glass that holds an ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WINE is going to make you very, very happy.  Give it to me and I will promptly regift it before you can say, "Isn't it cute?"