Wednesday, February 1, 2012

7 Ways To Screw Up Valentines Day

For those of you gentlemen planning something special for V-Day, AVOID MAKING the following mistakes and maybe things will go your way.

Order drinks with blatant sexual innuendos 
In all my years of bartending, no man ever ordered a Sex on the Beach because he was interested in anything but the reaction around him. And you know what everyone around thinks when you order that drink or a Buttery Nipple or a Between the Sheets? You're an asshole. Want to sound sexy? Order an unbelievable bottle of wine. Treat her to a superb cognac. Suggest a fine, aged brandy. Save the fraternity cocktails for the college boys.

Begin any order with "She'll have..."
Choose flowers on her behalf, a cashmere wrap, or a delicate necklace. But do not order her drink, her dinner, or her dessert without consulting her first. It is the complete opposite of romantic and sends the message that you are a chauvinistic control freak.

Opt for the corkage fee
People often bring wine into restaurants on Valentines Day to lower the bill (it's surf and turf night, remember?) If you and your honey met through some fancy wine club or have PhD's in viticulture, then go ahead show off that 93 point bottle to the couple in the booth behind you. Otherwise, order from the wine list to avoid looking cheap. Bringing a bottle of wine may also be acceptable when:

  • You're preparing a romantic picnic
  • The restaurant doesn't serve wine 
  • You're cheap

Surprise her with balloons
I don't care if you bought the seventy-five dollar giant heart balloon stuffed with arcade prizes that they've been filling with Helium for three days straight. She does not want it. What is she supposed to do when you arrive on her doorstep with a floating plastic bouquet...leave them at her place and worry she has offended you? Bring them to the restaurant and look like an idiot? The exceptions to balloons are:

  • She is going to be in the hospital for longer than 72 hours including Valentines day, you've been married for ten years, and your children are the ones handing them to her
  • She's in high school and you are also in high school (stop reading my blog)
  • She's a professional clown

Propose a drink that includes the words body and shot
Massage with gently scented oil? Hot. Champagne toasting in the hot tub? Romantic. Sucking warm tequila off her WhatYouMaCallIt? Questionable. If she proposes the activity well then hell yes dude, go for it and get down on one knee while you're at it because you've got a keeper. Otherwise, you're going to have to suppress this fantasy or risk ruining the mood in an unrecoverable way.

Qualify as an FDD at any point during the date
Becoming a Fall Down Drunk is not funny, interesting, or attractive. She may drive you home, tuck you in, and hide your car keys, but she ain't cooking you breakfast and she definitely isn't making the mistake of seeing you again. Go easy on the booze and avoid missing an opportunity for love.

Place the engagement ring in a cocktail
It sounds like a good idea at the arrange with the bartender to have the ring dropped into your beloveds favorite cocktail. The drink arrives and you are bursting with anticipation...with excitement, only to watch her horrific unreasonable response to an unidentifiable foreign object at the bottom of her glass. Or her failure to notice the diamond and your anticlimactic disclosure of the prize. Or her rapid ingestion of three months salary. An engagement ring symbolizes love, trust, devotion, and honesty. If this is what ice represents to you, then I'm no good to you. Otherwise, nestle that fine rock in a little box and give it the moment it deserves.


  1. Fantastic! You have me in stitches JC!

  2. Thanks Katie! Valentine's Day was always my busiest and best night of the year.